I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
