sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
