She is in my trunk
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
BRING THE BAGELS
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
