Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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