After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
