Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
