ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He passed out mid-signature
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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