i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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