eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
