Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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