help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
