Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
