Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
