I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
