when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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