Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
