I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
