My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
