I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
this just has baby written all over it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
