ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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