you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
