ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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