i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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