Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
