saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
