I'm going to jail i love you
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
