i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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