More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
