Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
