My first STD was from a foam party
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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