I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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