So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
