The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
smell my finger.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
