He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
