and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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