OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We're too hungover to prance.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
