every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
