Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
