I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im holly from the hills drunk
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
