3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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