Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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