I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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