Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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