I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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