i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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