***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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