Welp...herpes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
