Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Can you bring me the toilet please
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
