You can't special order awesome
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
