Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
